Confessions of a Regretful Foster Parent
As a foster parent and now advocate in the social work field, I own my humanity, flaws and all. Learning through hard knocks tends to be a norm for anyone investing in children, whether they be a parent or professional.
Well, it’s confession time. These words are not easy to share. As a decade-long foster parent, I have wished many times for a trip back in time for a do-over with my words, ineffective consequences and general parenting fails. But I have one great regret that still stands out many years later.
I asked for a child in foster care to be separated from their sibling because I did not feel equipped to parent them. I didn’t know how to help them, and I was terrified that the sibling of this child would suffer because of this. So I asked for the child to be moved to another foster home, which separated them from their sibling, who remained in my care. Since that time, I’ve made it my mission to advocate for keeping siblings together, as I regrettably did not do all those years ago.
The separation of siblings in foster care has a tremendous negative impact on most children, and it happens all too often. It is estimated that in the United States, as many as 65% of siblings in the foster care system are separated from each other. These separations often result in increased anxiety, stress, depression, and suicidal ideations. Separating siblings takes the trauma they already experience due to being placed in foster care and makes it much worse. Fear, uncertainty, and worry engulf their young minds.
Youth experiencing foster care need foster parents who will stand by them to provide support during possibly the scariest and most confusing time of their lives. They need foster parents who are committed and determined to keep them together despite bickering, chaos, and typical sibling squabbles. Siblings entering foster care may come from chaotic home environments, and they need foster parents willing to take the time to teach them how to respectfully communicate with one another. They sometimes need to be taught to share and interact with each other in a way that supports their mutual healthy development. Foster parents must commit to a mindset that sibling separation is not an option, no matter how frustrating it may become.
The sibling bond is a gift we carry through our entire lives. As foster parents, we must commit to looking beyond our feelings and frustrations. We are not fostering for us. When we fall into the deepest trenches of annoyance, exhaustion, and burnout, mentally becoming the victim is a means of self-preservation that we must fight against. We need to recognize burnout for what it is and take needed breaks. We need to participate in relevant education and training. We need to seek support and advice from other foster parents who have walked this road. We must maintain our foster licensure with an agency that will advocate for and with us during the most challenging times. At the time of my great regret, I wish I had been licensed with a foster care agency like the National Youth Advocate Program (NYAP). NYAP provides responsive 24/7 support, a variety of rich educational opportunities, a relational community of fellow fosterers, and professional resources to help equip foster parents to serve traumatized youth. No matter where you are on your foster journey, NYAP will work with you on behalf of the youth you serve to dig a little deeper to make a lasting impact on sibling groups in foster care.
To the beautiful child who came to me through foster care and for whom I bear part of the responsibility of adding trauma to your life by separating you from your sibling … from the depths of my soul, I am so sorry. I wish I could go back in time. I think of you often and would love for you to know that my decision is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Please know that I learned better and now I do better. I love you.
You can help keep siblings together by becoming a foster parent with National Youth Advocate